This is not what I want and absolutely not what I planned.

I wanted a party. A feast. An opportunity to dress up and wear another design of mine. A chance to see my friends all glammed up. A way to gather all my family and friends complete. I wanted to celebrate my 21st in the best way possible, who doesn’t? But then again, COVID-19 happened. This pandemic robbed me off of one of the most important moments in my life. I guess it’s normal to feel so frustrated and disappointed after wasting all the planning and anticipation I did in the past two years.

However painful, the onslaught of this pandemic could also be a fortuitous event that made me realize that what I wanted was just the superficial, the shallow, the fleeting, and the brief illusion of having it all. Things may not have gone my way but I have learned to shift my attention on the more important things—family, health, and safety.

I may have failed to gather all my friends, but at least my family is complete. I may not have a fancy and lavish dinner party, but at least we’re all healthy and doing well. I may not have spent a birthday weekend in a hotel room, but at least I’m safe at home. I may not be having a good time in one of my favorite places, but at least I’m not isolated inside a hospital room. The Little Prince once said, “what is essential is invisible to the eye“. At the end of the day, a plan delayed is not a plan denied. I believe that God has better and greater plans.

On a lighter note, the classic and beautiful quote “The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all.” from Mulan has inspired me to get back to painting after 6 years on hiatus. This painting is also like a birthday gift to myself instead of having other mementos. Sometimes it’s good to have a reminder of how I’ve spent and immortalized these times.

One thing the pandemic taught me is to bloom where I am planted. I was able to grow where God has placed me, despite the uncertainty. However, I fully acknowledge my privilege when I say these things, I know that not everyone has the capability or the means to just do things as they please when people all over the world are actually dying. The past four months I spent at home taught me to utilize all my innate talents and skills, not only for my personal development or financial gain, but also for the common good. I’m able to help my family financially, help flatten the curve by staying home, help our relatives to have a source of income, help in spreading awareness about the current situation, to name a few. Now that I am finally 21, I know that God has blessed me to become a blessing.

Above all else, thank You Lord for another year in my life. And for keeping us all safe and healthy amidst a terrifying health crisis. Thank You for watching over me and guiding me to where I am now, I know that I will be able to conquer anything through Your everlasting grace and love. Your will be done.

Thank you Mom and Dad just for everything. I won’t be living the kind of life I have right now if it weren’t for both of you. Thank you. Saranghaeyo.

Thank you to everyone who remembered me and greeted me today. I appreciate you all. Keep safe, stay at home, and always wash your hands. See you in my next blog post.

Love,

It was the end of a decade, but a start of an age. In light of 8 months before my 21st birthday, I got inspired by that girl in a red lip classic thing that I like to share 21 things I learned before turning two decades and one. These are some of the things I’ve essentially realized and have noted down whilst on the way home, in the middle of a class, or just whenever and wherever these thoughts come into my mind. Let’s get down to business and allow me to share twenty-one things I learned before I turn twenty-one. This 2020, fly with me to my roaring twenties.

I’d rather waste money than waste time. When money is spent, it can be earned back. But when time is gone, it’s gone forever. Wasting time perpetually infuriates me. If I could only purchase time, or avail the wasted time of other people, then I definitely would. And I’d be able to do everything I need and want to. It’s so sad you can’t recycle wasted time.

Investing in expensive things isn’t being materialistic, it’s being quality-oriented. In  today’s very consumerist society, I’d rather invest on something expensive but will last, rather than buy something cheap over and over again. Come on, why don’t we choose sustainability? It’s almost 2020. Try computing the cost per wear of your clothes and shoes so you have an idea if they are really worth it. In addition, buying things in bulk saves you more money in the long run. Do the math before every purchase, it’s definitely worth the painstaking calculations.

If you won’t do it well, then don’t do it at all. Do things with passion, purpose, and love. Never do something just to pass the bare minimum.

Moisturizing is a must. Be it your skin, your hair, your lips, or even your personality. A good moisturizer is a good investment. Life is too short to be dry as fck. The moment my second year in college began, I started to invest in good facial moisturizers and eye creams to spare my face from all-nighters. Right now, I swear by Ponds Age Miracle as my eye cream and my fine lines have been visibly reduced. I wish I could unlock the fountain of youth.

Enjoy and trust the process. The first time I took Psychology, I had second thoughts about shifting or dropping out. But looking at it now, I am enjoying it so much and I can’t thank myself enough for staying. Sometimes, you have to look forward to the means, not just the ends. The journey may be long and tedious but the destination becomes more beautiful when you appreciate how you got there. And when you appreciate the people who help you get there.

Your loved ones’ happiness should also be your happiness. It takes a lot of maturity to be genuinely happy for the successes and joys of your loved ones. I feel with them when they go through something else, so when they feel really happy, I am also happy.

Traditional over digital. Printed photos, handwritten letters and poems, longhand diary entries, and printed books are so much better as compared to their digital counterparts. There is that hint of nostalgia or happiness elicited when you can physically browse pictures and jot down your thoughts using pen and paper. I have so much respect for the written word and I hope and pray that my writings will go see the light of day soon.

Be a gracious host. Bring out the best plates, light up scented candles, cook the best food, bake the best goodies. Be a good host. Ever since the receiving area at home was built, I have this urge to invite my friends over and cook for them. It’s such an ‘adult’ thing to do and it’s very new and rare to me because I am an introvert. Nevertheless, I know this is something I can do this for the rest of my life.

Your parents are the best friends you’ll ever have. I always assure that they will be the first ones (aside from my inner circle) to know if I am currently going through something. This is just one of the biggest realizations I’ve learned this year as I’ve opened up about my anxiety, my failures, and regrets to both my mom and dad. Your parents will always be the ones who will watch over you.

Go through it and grow through it. This is exactly how you learn. How do you even know the feeling of successfully surviving something scary without even going through it in the first place?

Accept that sickness, deterioration, and death are part of life. These used to be my biggest fears. They still are, but I’ve learned how to accept them. When I was younger, I view death and sickness as life’s “abnormalities”. There’s just no room for them. I once believed that life is all about happiness and strength that I forgot that we’re all born to die. I’ve slowly accepted that these things really happen, and are bound to happen. We can never be truly safe. It’s about what you do in that dash between the two dates on your tombstone.

Take a little peek into the future. It can be imagining yourself on your graduation day, or visualizing your 25th birthday, or planning your parents’ silver wedding anniversary. It’s good to zoom out and see into the future and just simply think that good things are yet to happen. And it makes you leave everything in the past because what can we do over spilled milk, right?

Sugar is the best spice. Ironic, I know. There’s just that sweet magic when you add a dash of sugar to everything you cook. No disrespect to salt and pepper, but I think I’ve found a better partner. Sugar is like the white t-shirt of the culinary world. It’s very universal and versatile and goes along well with any dish.

Recreating old photos or replying to your old posts or tweets is like talking to your old self. It’s like a time capsule. “Hey, this is how far you’ve come. Your life is so much better than it was then, you already got what you are praying for.” It’s a gentle reminder of how much you’ve developed or how much your life has changed for better or for worse.

It’s not about the glass being half full or half empty. It’s about filling it up again. It’s okay to have periods of sadness, brokenness, emptiness and the general feeling of being so lost in translation. It’s normal and it makes you human. Cry it all out. But always remember that bad days are not forever. You will always find your way to happiness. There’s always light at the end of the tunnel.

If the day hasn’t ended yet, there’s still hope. I’ve learned not to dwell or waste my time and energy on bad things happening. As long as the day hasn’t ended yet, there can still be something good that might happen and eventually improve my mood. It’s wrong to punish yourself for something that isn’t entirely your fault.

Keep your creative juices flowing by taking down notes. I always get ideas out of nowhere and I try to preserve these by jotting them down on my planner or my notes app. They’re usually about outfit ideas, random quotes or lessons, recipe ideas, event planning, blog post titles, and random things. Whenever I think of a good cake design, I draw them and note what ingredients I’m going to be using if I make them. Whenever I have ideas about menswear, I also draw them on my planner. I also write down my dreams the moment I wake up every morning and sometimes I interpret them on my own. This way I can document my ideas without trying to remember them because they’re all archived.

Yellow is such a beautiful color. It’s only now that I realized that I wear too much monochromatic colors that I underestimate other colors. Yellow is something that makes me feel happy and bright. It’s also a color that flatters my skin tone so that being said, I promise to wear more yellow.

Perfumes are the best time capsules. Just like how listening to old music, it’s amazing how certain scents bring back a lot of memories. Whenever I smell Polo Sport by Ralph Lauren, I get transported back to those days when I was 11 feeling giddy for an upcoming flight. Same goes with Zara Seoul Sinsa eau de toilette, I get flashbacks from my last days in high school. Earlier this year, I chose Davidoff Silver Shadow Altitude and it instantly brings nostalgia from those days I  listen to thank u, next as I arrive one hour early for my 7 a.m. classes. It’s a good idea to change perfumes every year. “Oh this reminds me of 2010! Oh, this smells like 2018.” #nostalgic

Never be afraid to be honest. And to speak about your insecurities, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities. If I were to mention some of the greatest things I’ve learned lately, it would be to live truthfully as possible, be straightforward about your choices, and be firm with your decisions. You do you. There will always be a friend who’s ready to listen to you and I’m lucky I have a lot of them. It’s definitely okay to ask for help. Sometimes we just need someone to talk to and that’s it. We just need to let it all out.

Take the risk or lose the chance?  Turning Twenty has taught me to never bottle up your feelings and be so engulfed with your emotions. Let people know how you really feel about them, it’s actually a lot better than playing mind games. Honestly, you wouldn’t be afraid to risk something if you know you have nothing to lose. Would you rather know something and regret it forever and ever or never know it and forever wonder?

Written by: Andrei Paras (July – October 2019)

Shoot locations: Clark Marriott Hotel, Bonifacio Global City, Cafe Dia, Angeles University Foundation. 

“Long live the walls we crashed through, all the kingdom lights shine just for me and you.”

First of all, forgive me if I get lost in translation on this post. I’ve initially planned not to write a birthday message this year but I realized that I don’t want to break the tradition I started since I was sixteen. Hence, I penned this letter just a day before my birthday.

Four years ago, I’ve daunted about the thought of growing up. I’ve always thought that being in your late teens and young adult stage translates into more stress, more work, more serious matters. I was wrong. I’m still studying — I’ve just started my second year in college; I’m still living with my parents; I don’t earn money yet—my earnings go directly to our business; and I’m still not fully independent yet. My all-expenses-paid-existence days are slowly coming to an end. There was this preconceived notion in me that growing up is simply terrifying. Stressful. Hectic. Hustling. In the course of my maturity, I’ve come to realize that life may really be taxing. It is, and will always be. But it’s simply a matter of perspective. There are a few words I’d like to tell you.

In the past 365 days, I’ve been delighted with the peace and quiet of the digital atmosphere. I’ve learned how it’s not always a good idea to parade yourself on social media. There’s this quote I’ve read and it goes along with the lines of: “I don’t know why people are so keen to put the details of their private life in public; they forget that invisibility is a superpower.”  The moment this blog took a back seat and the moment I’ve lessened my Twitter and Instagram use, everything just went back to normal. There’s no more pressure to look good on social media, no more urges to write a post and tell a story, no more blog statistics to continuously monitor. The numbers mattered less to me. I was at my best. I was excelling in school. It was calm. It was peaceful. Silence made my life sail smoothly.

The newfound serenity I’ve internalized has made me choose my battles. This feeling of liberosis made me care less about the things which don’t matter much to me, and won’t affect my life in the long run. Some things aren’t really worth stressing over. What do you do? Let it go. Life’s too short to spend on seemingly important matters.

This period of growth has reminded me to bloom through the bad. There were times that I forget that God is in control. The backward mindset which is “Why is this happening to me?” has slowly become “What is this situation trying to teach me? What can I learn from this?” This change in thoughts greatly helped me in organizing my thoughts and feelings towards different circumstances in my life. It made me more attentive to the good things I can get from bad experiences.

A few days back, there was this reoccurring feeling of enouement and reminisce bump. Last June, all I did during my free time was to play music I used to listen to in 2013; read my blog posts from 2015; and just go down memory lane as I glance through my photos from 2017. The nostalgia was stronger than ever. I couldn’t believe that I’m two decades old. I am in disbelief that in just a few years, I’ll be working already. I’m in denial that time has flown so fast without me realizing it. I wish I could rewind to the years when my life was simply happy and carefree. I could relate to the All Too Well lyrics “Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it. I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it.” on a spiritual level.

Whenever nostalgia hits me, I remind myself of this excerpt from Why She Disappeared by Taylor Swift: “Without your past, you could never have arrived—so wondrously and brutally, by design or some violent, exquisite happenstance…here.” 

To end this post, I’ll keep it short, I’ve got no words left to say. Just thank you, next. 😉

To the big guy in the sky, thank You. Thank You. Thank You for never failing me. For the never ending graces me and my family receive. Thank You.

To my family, thank you for making my twentieth birthday one of the best. The retail therapies and food crawls were absolutely one for the books. Thank you!

To my friends, readers, followers and everyone who remembered me today, thank you. This won’t be possible without all of your love and support! 

Come and fly away with me to my roaring twenties.

Love,

Andrei.

Shoot location: 52 Stone Restaurant, Friendship Highway, Angeles City